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friends partyingDear Gay Best Friend,

Help! I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, and we’ve been married for 2 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, but lately all I’ve been wanting to do is leave him. He wants to go out 6 to 7 days a week and come in at 5 in the morning. It wouldn’t be a problem if he took me along sometimes, but I can’t go at all. When I call to check on him he snaps and is real short with me.

When it comes to our kids he’s a great father indoors, but getting him to come out with us is impossible. It’s even getting to the point that our 5 year old asks why he’s not with us. In the beginning it was all good, like most relationships are, but when we got married he changed. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I tell him how I feel until I’m blue in the face and all he says is, “That’s you making you feel like that.”

We don’t do anything together and when I suggest we do it’s always, “No, I don’t feel like it.” I think he’s seeing someone else because he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never let it go when he’s woke. We used to be intimate almost every day, but now it’s like I have to beg for it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do I stay for the kids or leave and try to find myself? Please help. – Looking For Myself

Dear Ms. Looking For Myself,

Girl, you’ve been with your husband for 6 years, and he’s acting different and brand new, and you can’t put your finger on it? Hmph! No ma’am! Don’t start doubting your womanly instincts now. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! And, girl, if you don’t know him and his patterns by now, then I don’t know what to tell you. Men are predictable creatures. They love doing things that are in order, routine, and consistent. Now, look at your man’s recent behaviors and patterns and ask yourself if they have been routine or consistent in all the 6 years you’ve known him. I mean, come on sweetie. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or brain surgeon to add up the bull-ish he’s running on you to figure this out.

Chile, let me pull out my bull-ish calculator. Now, when I add that he is going out 6 to 7 days a week and coming in at 5 in the morning, I get that’s he’s cheating on your ass. I now add that when you call to check on him and he snaps and is real short with you, uhm, that equals that he is still cheating on your ass. Now, let’s add that you said you don’t even know who he is anymore, and when you tell him how you feel he replies, “That’s you making you feel like that,” I get that he is really cheating on your ass. I’m now going to multiply that since you don’t do anything together and when you do suggest something he replies, “No, I don’t feel like it.” Well, according to my bull-ish calculator it’s because he’s tired from being with his other woman that he’s cheating on you with.

Now, I’m going to do the square root of, “He’s cheating on your ass,” with the fact that he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never lets it go when he’s woke, and I get that “He’s a dirty trifling low-down dog with secrets and  he doesn’t want you to discover his indiscretions.” But, wait, let me do the square root of that with the fact that you used to be intimate every day, but now you have to beg for it and I get, “YOUR MAN IS CHEATING ON YOUR ASS AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP THE HELL UP AND STOP BEING SO DAMN NAÏVE AND GULLABLE!”

There is obviously a breakdown in the communication between you and your husband. He’s not respecting you or listening to your requests for time spent with the family. And, you’re not listening to whatever is going on with him. Besides, it’s not just what he is saying to you, but what he’s also doing to you and your children. His actions are speaking loud and very clear. So, perhaps you suggest some marriage counseling, or seek out your pastor for spiritual guidance. There is something going on with your husband and he is not being forthright with whatever it is. And, I hate to say he’s cheating, but a man who is married and leaving the house 6 to 7 nights a week, and not returning until 5 in the morning. Uhm, he’s doing something, or somebody. I wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior without any explanations.

If you can’t get anywhere with open and honest communication, then you will have to consider some other options, but only after you’ve exhausted and explored all other possibilities. Again, there could be something going on that he’s not expressing, but his behavior is that of a man who has some indiscretions and secrets. Get to the root of his problem, and you’ll get to the issue of your marriage. Now, get to talking with him, and listen to what he’s saying, and pay attention to his actions. If he keeps acting up, then pack his –ish and get to stepping. Why try to make something work with someone who is obviously not interested or invested in being with you and your children? – Straight  From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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