Dear Gay Best Friend,
I was hot between the legs and now I’m in a hot mess! I’m trying to have a sense of humor but really I just want to cry. This is the thing, I’m 6 weeks pregnant, 24 years old, and have 2 more semesters left in college. I’m studying to get my bachelors in finance and I’m happy to be almost done! My graduation date is May 2012 and my baby due date is April 2012. The guy that I’m pregnant by is 27 years old, has a degree in accounting but the dummy doesn’t use his degree. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t work at all now, doesn’t have his own place (he’s at his moms), and has no car. I have a 2-bedroom townhouse, a vehicle, job, school, and trying to start up my business which may have to wait until after I graduate because I have no money to put into my business now.
I always said that I wanted to wait until I’m 30 years old or close before having a baby and I wanted to be married. So, this is not want I wanted at all. The time me and this guy had sex, I knew he skeeted in me so I took a Plan B pill two or three days later, so I thought I was good. But, weeks later I discovered that nope, I’m not good, got pregnant anyway!! Yes it’s my fault for opening my legs with no protection. I know, but still I thought the Plan B was going to save me. I have no diseases. I had an annual exam 2 weeks before having sex with him and another STD test after I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.
When I told him I was pregnant he was happy, very emotionally supportive. He went to a family get together and even passed up alcohol because he said that he wanted to do this with me and wanted to be sober for the next 50 years for his child. He already addresses the baby by a name that he created, but to me all this don’t mean nothing because he don’t have no money! So, I’ll get to the point. Here it is – He has a bright idea to go to New York, hit one of the avenues (as he says) and look for work. He has no money to go and he is on his way out there on a bicycle, not a motorcycle but the kind with the pedals. We live in Texas! He said it will take him a week or two to get there but the only reason he is going is because he doesn’t want to work out here. Now, he feels it’s the time to follow his dream and make some money for his baby on the way. He said that he will talk with me daily and will start sending money as he makes it and will be back in time for the baby’s birth.
Personally I think this is the dumbest crap ever and I feel like damn, what did I get myself into? I don’t want to be a single parent. If I did I wouldn’t have had 2 abortions in the past, one when I was 20 and again at 21. I know I know. But, I feel like I may need to get another one and keep my legs closed for real until I’m married to the type of man that fits me. A man that has his stuff together!
Now this guy that I’m pregnant by said that if he stays here in Texas, he’s just going to be at my house with the baby. He’s not going to work because he’s already looked out here and it’s no jobs. Okay, we live in Houston. It’s plenty of jobs. I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. I told him that I don’t take care of grown men and if he want to live with me, he need to be paying something and he also need to get a car because I have my own schedule and I need to be handling my business. My success is very important to me and I can’t let a man slow me down. He’s supposed to add to me not take away. I don’t know what to do because he says that he wants to get married by the time the baby comes. He says all other women are off limits to him now because he finally got what he wanted and if he cheats on me he’ll be cheating on his child. He says 20 years from now if someone asks him who the last person he had sex with, it’ll still be me.
I mean all this sound good, but on the financial end he’s not bringing anything to the table. He’s not even being realistic to think that he can go to New York and make a nice chunk of money within 8 months. I told him just use his degree and work here and then we can move together after I graduate. At least by then we would have time to find a spot to live and have jobs lined up. We can go prepared instead of him leaving me pregnant and going out there without anything and no place to live, no money for food, nothing.
I don’t want to get another abortion because I feel that it would kill me emotionally, but I don’t want to be with a bum. But, then I also don’t want to be a single mother but those are looking like my options right now. But then again you never know he may succeed at what he’s aiming for in New York and come back with a ring and some money! Yeah right. He wants to be in the entertainment industry now, but I feel that it’s too late for that. He needs to use his degree and possibly start a business later on or something. How does he expect to make it entertainment now?
If I get an abortion I probably will never speak to him again. I would just move on with my life and be sure to never get in a situation like this again. I might not even have sex again until I’m married. But if I keep the child, I don’t know what I’ll do. I guess just continue with my goals, love the child, educate the child, and not let the child stop my success but instead motivate me for more but it’ll be sad not to have the dad around I think. I don’t know, please enlighten me. – Child Or No Child
Dear Ms. Child Or No Child,
Whew! Girl, that letter took me through it! Lawd!!! I told y’all about these long ass letters.
But, I’m not going to waste time as you did and I’m going to address your points.
You’ve basically answered your own letter several times, and I’m not sure you’re paying attention. The long and short of it is that you’re going to have the baby, and hope for the best from your man as he treks from Houston to New York, via bicycle, to find a job. LMBAO! Girl, I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! He is willing to get on a two wheel bicycle with pedals and ride all the way to New York City. LMBAO! Please baby Jesus make it stop!
But, you got to love him for his tenacity. He certainly has ambition, and though it may seem a little far-fetched for him to ride a bicycle to NYC, (ROTFLMBAO!), but you don’t recognize his drive and willingness to do something. But, that’s what happens to a woman who claims she’s so independent, got her own thing, don’t need a man, and ain’t nobody going to stop her from success! Chile, not even your unborn baby is going to prevent you from succeeding. Yeah, you said that in the last paragraph – “I guess just continue with my goals, love the child, educate the child, and not let the child stop my success but instead motivate me for more but it’ll be sad not to have the dad around I think.” Now, I understood what you meant, but I hate when people use a child as a motivating factor to do things in their life. A child is not some incidental aspect of your life. It’s not there to help you get focused and find love and do something with yourself. A child is a human being. Not a toy, or piece of paper.
And you claim you are so driven and so focused, but yet you won’t keep your legs closed. D**k is a dangerous drug. Especially raw d**k! You wouldn’t be in this predicament if you’d stayed focused on school education and not sex education.
Girl, you say you don’t want to get an abortion, but if you do then you might not even have sex again until you’re married. The operative word in that statement is “might.” You didn’t say you wouldn’t, you said you “might not.” So, obviously you have not learned your lesson. This pregnancy, or any other pregnancy in the future, is not going to prevent you from not using protection, or letting dudes run up in you raw. And, although you’ve had 2 abortions previously, at 20 and 21 years old, you still are willing to get your freak on regardless of the outcome. SMDH! Here’s another classic case of someone who is doing for herself, going to college, but yet still have hood rat thoughts.
The man sounds like a good dude. He sounds like he’s willing to take ownership, and be responsible. Yes, this has lit a fire under his ass to get a job, do something with his life, and be a father to his child. But, of course that is not good enough for you because his dreams and ideas are too lofty for you. Yet, you let him run up in you raw. You laid down with him and despite your past record of getting pregnant and having two abortions, you played this game yet again. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!
Why are you beating him down even before he starts? Why are you knocking his dream and his goals and desires? Oh, I get it. It’s because you got pregnant, and you’re blaming it on him, and this is an interruption into the plans that you had for yourself. You’re mad at him instead of being mad yourself. You’re upset with him because he can just get up and leave, and you can’t and won’t. Chile, I don’t know why this man would want to marry you. I hope he finds out what he’s getting himself into before he decides to walk down that aisle. He is headed for disaster and a life of nagging and arguments from and by YOU!
I say you two need to come up with a plan. Give him six months to go to New York and look for a job. Within the six months he should secure employment, housing, and then bring you to New York. Now, I do agree that he should look for employment in Houston. I don’t understand why an educated man with a college degree says that he can’t find a job there. Unless he’s not really looking, and he truly desires to be in New York, thus he is thwarting his own job search. And, the reality is that the recession is everywhere, even here in New York. Can you imagine? LOL! Anyway, if he feels this is where he needs to look for a job, then let him come. Let him get a taste of life here in New York City. It’s not as easy as most people think. Finding housing is a job within itself. It may take two to three months to find an apartment. And, unlike Houston where you can move-in with rent specials and only pay first month’s rent. In New York you need first, last, and to pay a fee. So, you’re looking at up to $2,500 to $3,500 just to move in. Yeah, it’s not cheap.
So, sit down with him, devise a plan with yours and his expectations in going to New York. How much time will you give him to find a job and housing? Where will he initially stay while he’s in New York looking for a job? Do you plan to marry before the baby is born, or after, and when? While he’s doing all of that, you can keep stacking your money, getting things in order at home in Houston just in case he has to come back home, and don’t make him feel bad if he has to come home. I can hear you now, “I told you so. You can’t handle New York. You need to find a job and do something here. I can’t do this all by myself. And, go upstairs and change the baby’s diaper. I got to go. You need to step up and be a dad.” Just relax, girl, and know that you have a good man. Yes, he needs a little direction, but he’s responsible, and he’s not abandoning you.
And, please help the poor guy get to New York and buy him a plane ticket or train ticket. Don’t let him ride his bicycle….wait, I just had a visual of him riding on the side roads with his backpack slung on his back navigating his way to New York. LMBAO! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!