You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’ve been reading your links on Hello Beautiful for a while and I have something for you to write about.
I am a 30-year old black male. I am happily and recently married, going on three weeks. Just this weekend my ex from many years ago hit me up on a text asking about the wedding, since she wasn’t invited. I told her it was good, and she goes into her (bipolar, I’m the victim, drama mode). She claims she is happy for me, but she’s hurt and that the thought of it makes her sick. I’m wondering to myself, ‘Why is she telling me this?’ I dated this girl years ago when I was young and had just finish school and was going into college. Our relationship lasted three good years after we both went to different colleges and we had almost five bad years of constant cheating, disrespecting, and nothing but problems. I will admit, it wasn’t all her fault but as I got older, I got tired of the mess and drama that came along with this girl. I cut her loose, and went about my life and two years ago I met the woman of my dreams who I have made my wife.
Now, my ex has reappeared, like a seasonal plague. She contacts me out of the blue, trying to be friendly and slither her way back into my life, just like a snake. And, with her comes drama, arguments, and she constantly brings up the past as if it will make me forget about all the drama that she brought upon me in the last three years.
This weekend was no different. After she contacted me, instead of being a rude person, I try to be nice to her just for the purpose of I don’t want to have another ex hating me. But, this girl is really pushing it. She claims now to be engaged, but you never really know with her because she will tell a lie in a heartbeat. She has told me twice already in the past that she was engaged but never married.
She then claims that until the day that she dies I will always be her first love and that she will never forget me and that is something I can’t take away. I asked her was that suppose to be special or something I hold with me? I have let everything go and I am moving on and happily married.
Everything about this girl makes me sick. We have too much of a bad past to move on as friends, and I just want her to leave me alone. I later texted her back and told her not to text or call me again, and that I am happily married. In response, she replied with her usual hood-rat manner by cursing me out and saying no one wants me. It was funny, but I know it won’t be the last time I hear from her. This has been going on for years, and I feel now that I am married it’s just going to make her continue with the drama, games and problems. I could cuss her out, but I have gotten older, and at the age of 30, I don’t want to go back to acting like a 22-year old again.
Me, and this girl had a past, one that would make good for a book or movie. She is the girl that sees everything wrong with the next person, but don’t see the problems in her own life. She is straight bi-polar and I made sure I told her to get herself checked out. I mean how can someone be happy for you, but causes hurt to the point it makes you sick? Why are black women so blind when it comes to a good man? At one point, years ago, I wanted to work it out with this girl, but after seeing she has very whorish ways, I stopped caring and moved on.
The last straw came three years ago when she called me out of the blue to give me her new phone number and start a conversation with me. At the time, I was thinking about her and wanted to see where this would go. She asked was I still in town and that she wanted to hangout sometime. I told her where I was and then asked where she was staying. I admit I know I was wrong, because I already knew where she was staying and never once went by her house or called her. She claims that she had just brought a house in the rich part of town and had just moved in. Now while she was telling me this I am at my cousin apartment sitting outside and watching her pull into her apartment. I went along with the story, but decided not to call her out and not start back messing with her. Well, she continued to call me every week, bragging about her house and everything. With every call she always has a new story to tell. Then one day, I got tired of it. She called and told me she was at home outside in her back yard talking to her next door neighbor. I just shook my head when she told me that and quickly made up an excuse to get off the phone. An hour later I called her back and asked are we friends, she responded with a yes. Then I asked, ‘Why do you feel the need to always lie to me?’ She said lie about what. I could tell from her voice she was getting mad. I told her I knew where she stayed and that I don’t know why she had to call me and tell me a lie like that. She responded with she didn’t want me to know because she didn’t want any trouble from me. So, I am like well if you feel threatened by me then why call and give me your number. Why lie to me? When I asked that, she cursed me out and hung up the phone.
I am at the point now where I am really tired of my ex and I know as long as she knows I am married, she will continue to want to be in my life.
I’ve told her that I don’t want to be friends, but she doesn’t want to have it that way. What do I need to do, curse her out, or continue playing these games with her? — Case Of The Ex
Dear Case Of The Ex,
WOW! I am glad you recognized that you are playing games with her. That was the last thing you wrote in your letter.
So ask yourself, “Why am I playing games with her?”And you will get to the root of the reason of why your ex is in your life. You will also know why you have allowed her to stay in your life and reappear whenever she wants, and why you have the need to have her in your life? I am curious to know, what are you gaining from all of this?
I personally don’t think you want her out of your life. You like the drama. You like all this mess. I noticed in your letter that you used the word “drama” quite a number of times. So obviously you must enjoy the drama she brings. She knows how to get under your skin and get you riled up, yet you can’t seem to get her out of your life. How do you get rid of “hood-rats” (that is what you referred to her as)? How do you get rid of an infestation that irritates you? You fumigate. You exterminate. You eliminate the problem.
If she hasn’t contacted you in years and then all of a sudden and out of the blue you get a text from her, hmmmm, why does she still have your number? If you want her out of your life, stop responding to her texts. Don’t answer the phone when she calls. There are features on your phone that allows you to block numbers and prevent them from reaching you. Hell, just change your damn number.
But, again, I think you love the attention. You keep encouraging her. Yes you do. Why do you answer your phone? Why did you agree to go to her house? LEAVE HER ALONE and SHE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE!
Stop answering your phone. Stop texting her. End all communication with her. Again, change your number. You say you don’t want anything to do with her, yet you keep the relationship going. Ask yourself why? What are you gaining from this?
Boy, I hope you didn’t tell your wife about your ex, but then again I know you did because you like drama. And to have two women fighting over you I am certain you love the attention. It is feeding your ego. Especially to know that you have an ex who won’t leave you alone, but then again why would she if you keep giving her some type of hope of a possible reunion. She doesn’t hear what you say. It’s your actions. They are speaking louder than your words.
Look, I know what it’s like to have an ex hanging around. They tell you things like, “You’re my first love and you’ll always have a special place in my heart.” Chile, miss me. You need to move on. You need to get a life. You need to leave me alone! And, that is what you need to tell her.
But, you’ve told your ex all of this. You’ve obviously moved on, and she hasn’t. I’m curious of why she feels the need to keep harassing you. Why does she need to keep rehashing the past? It’s because some folks stay stuck in the past, reliving relationships, holding on to pictures, cards, and memories that helps them mentally stay in a state of delirium. And, your ex is delirious. One thing you did do right was recommend she get some professional help.
So, Mr. Case Of The Ex, you’ve got to stop allowing her access to your life. Stop letting her get under your skin. Stop answering her calls. As long as she knows you will respond, she has you right where she wants you – thinking about her and talking to her. One lesson I’ve learned over the years is that when you break up with someone your actions speak louder than words. You may tell them it’s over and you don’t want to rekindle the relationship, or have them in your life, but if you keep talking to them, texting, and meeting up with them it sends a completely different message. All that stuff you were talking and saying goes right out the window. So follow through with your actions and let her live in her own misery. You’re married, with a new woman, and starting a new life. In order to do that you’ve got to let the past stay in the past! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend