SYBIL WILKES: Happy Friday.
TOM JOYNER: TGIFDAG.
SYBIL WILKES: What?
TOM JOYNER: The gas is $4 dollars a gallon! (Laughter) I’m going to be like Chubby Checker ass style walking every place I gotta go. I was running my mouth yesterday while I was pumping gas and accidentally filled my tank up. I hate when that shigitty happens. I don’t like spending a lump sum all at once, y’all, I like to spread my payments out. Speaking of payments, uh, spreading things out, let me spread this week’s list out.
Contender number one, the meteorologist mofos in DC who said we were going to be slammed by snow this week and had everybody haul ass to the grocery store thinking it was going to be cloudy with a chance of snowballs. We were all dressed up and ready for snow and got stood up because the snow was like some used velcro. It didn’t stick. Now I got enough Ramen noodles to last me until OJ Simpson comes home. (Laughter)
Contender number two. Bret Michaels. Bret Michaels was the first contestant on Celebrity Apprentice to be fired. And Tom, Sybil and Jay, what Bret do when toupee-fiasco said Bret was fired? This marshmallow mofo had a meltdown and started crying like a rejected baby mother who was 1000% sure on Maury. Put your hair in a scrunchy and man up, Brenda.
Contender number three, Serge Ibaka from OKC for punching Blake Griffin in the N-U-T. Mm-hmm, in a game against the L.A. Clippers Serge didn’t get fined or nothing. I mean he didn’t even get called for a loose ball foul, y’all.
Contender number four, P. Diddy. Yeah, P. Diddy, Puffy, Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, the Rob Boy Bad Boy admit on Ellen he was a pee in the bed boy. Who knew? P. Diddy was a little Pissy Miagi. Who knew? This millionaire urine-sampler.
Contender number four, Kanye West. Y’all heard about Kanye?
SYBIL WILKES: Yeah.
HUGGY LOWDOWN: Kanye is mad with the world again, y’all. He was beefing for Jay Z for that suit and tie song he did with Justin Timberlake. He mad at award shows and sponsors. Now he’s mad at MTV Sway. See, MTV has a top ten hottest MC list, and Kanye is like six or seven. Uh-oh. Kanye called Sway and said, I’m just calling to say Sway came over my crib back in the day. I was getting a new TV delivered so I gave Sway his first TV. Remember that shigitty, Sway. And hung up. He didn’t even mention the list. (Laughter) He was talking about a damn plasma TV. C’mon, Kanye. For real? He’s out of control, y’all. He’s going to snatch the scissors off the back of his hand when he’s trying to cut the umbilical cord when his baby is born, y’all. He’s probably mad at Kim Jung Un because he didn’t get an invite to North Korea.
Contender number five, Terrance Howard for disrespecting Oprah. Terrance Howard starred in a movie called Butler with Oprah and they had a sex scene. Well, in the interview, it turns out Oprah had some tig old bitties. He said the same disrespectful stuff about Anthony Anderson in Hustle and Flow, y’all. (Laughter) I mean he is so disrespectful. So Terrence, that’s why you’re costarring in the male version of the Help, Don Cheadle was costarring in Iron Man 3. So enjoy your tig old bitties while Don Cheadle may kill you.
Dennis Rodman, you are the Bama of the Week, talking about Kim Jung Un as your ace boom color worm. Dennis Rodman is going back to North Korea like he’s some ambassador for real, y’all. Listen to what my cousin Nato said. My cousin Nato said the first time Dennis Rodman went to North Korea, Dennis asked them what’s the sentence for rape here in North Korea. Kim Jung said death. And Dennis said, what if I don’t press charges? I hope you’re listening, Linda McCloud, because I am who I say I am.