• “My Wife Left Me And She’s Seeing Another Man, But I Want Her Back”

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    depressed  black manDear Gay Best Friend,

    I’m a male who is going through a separation right now. I’m 32 and she is 27. We have been married 5 years. I knew her for 9 years. We have no kids. We were having issues within our marriage with communication. There was no abuse or cheating. She started to tell me that she felt something was missing, and she didn’t know what it was. We got along great. Toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roommates.

    I really want to work on this relationship. She said that she needed some space. She moved back in with her mom, which her mom doesn’t even like me for reasons I don’t know. I never believed in therapy, but she insisted on going. We went 3 times and she stopped. She said it was because of time and money. I told her that I would pay for the sessions. I still go to better myself. I also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week. She doesn’t know that I know. I need some advice on how to deal with this and any advice on how to get her back. She finally admitted to seeing this other guy and he is already professing his love. He even bought her tickets to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. Oh yeah, they met on FaceBook. He is 34. They met on 9/15. Help me. I need some advice to get her back. – Need My Wife Back

    “I Have A Fear Of Being Alone And Don’t Know How To Break The Cycle Of Codependency”

    Dear Mr. Need My Wife Back,

    Sigh! You sound like a really good dude. But, I hate to be the bearer of bad news my brother, but, uhm, you need to let her go. You need to give her the space she needs to do what she wants and allow her to find her way back to you. But, on the real, she has moved on. She has separated herself from you and is already getting it in with another man. Therefore, she has moved on. Open your eyes and stop being naïve.

    The fact that your wife told you that she felt something was missing in your marriage and that she felt more like friends and roommates with you is a tell-tale sign that she was not interested in you sexually or physically. She had started the process months, probably years ago, of mentally placing you in a category where she would not desire or want you.

    I know it’s hard hearing this because it’s difficult to let someone you love, and whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with just walk out of your life. It’s hard seeing them move on and you desperately want to make it work. But, the truth of the matter is that SHE IS GONE! (You’re standing there with your hand out with roses waiting on her to return and she is waving to you saying goodbye)

    You even stated that she recommended counseling, and after 3 visits she stopped coming. She figured why waste her time, money, and energy when she had already made up in her mind that she didn’t want to fix your marriage. She didn’t want to invest in you or it. And, my question to you, my brother, is if someone doesn’t want to invest in you, your relationship, or make any attempts to save/salvage your marriage, then why are you trying to hold on to them? Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held. Stop trying to make someone commit to you when they can’t even commit to themselves. Stop trying to make someone be with you who does not want to be with you. Do you see how simple and easy that is? Do you see how you can save yourself the heartache and pain of being hurt even further if you just listen to what they are saying to you, and how they are treating you? When someone wants to walk out of your life let them go. Hell, get them some running shoes and let them sprint out of your life.

    But, I truly believe that some folks are gluttons for pain. They are gluttons for heartache and drama. Chile, you better stop this madness before you find yourself stalking and staking outside her momma’s house hiding in the bushes. Don’t let this drive you to become disillusioned in your head and you start acting and doing sill ass –ish for the sake of love and saving your marriage. I am not trying to hear about you on the six o’clock news.

    It’s time to look at the blessings and thank her for the gift she gave you. I know you don’t see it now, but she did you a favor. And, there are several of them, but here is one: You stated that you didn’t believe in therapy, and when she recommended it you were reluctant, but you went. And, although she doesn’t continue with the sessions, you have continued and they have made you a better person. Yes, that’s a blessing. You are working on you. And, now it’s time to heal, move forward, and stop obsessing over her and her new man. So what if he is professing his love to her after only a few weeks of meeting. And, so what he bought tickets for them to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. You sit over there and stew in hatred, bitterness, and anger, but she is going to be in Puerto Rico having fun for her birthday. Who’s going to look like the fool?

    I tell you what, why don’t you buy yourself a ticket to some foreign or exotic place. And, I know the perfect places – Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic or even Rio De Jenairo, Brazil. Go. Have you some fun.  Trust me. You will thank me later.

    The second blessing is that she has shown you what it is to love and love yourself. You are getting back to the essence of you, of who you are. Learn to love you, and how to love someone else. The next woman you meet will be so amazing, phenomenal, beautiful, intelligent, spiritually grounded, and designed for you by God. Again, you can’t see it now because you’re focused on the right now. You’re focused on “My wife left me and has moved on.” Stop mopping, crying, and whining. Ugh! I can’t stand to see a grown ass man with no backbone, and no balls. Let your nuts hang and let them swing. It’s time to man-up.

    So, start the process of forgiving your wife. Forgive her and yourself. You made mistakes. It didn’t work and now it’s time to move, and it’s okay. You recognize what went wrong, and now you can move forward and begin to heal and learn from the mistakes. Get your big boy drawers on, and give yourself three months to see if your wife will want to make amends. If nothing changes and she’s not interested, then start the divorce proceedings, get your affairs in order (financially and emotionally) and throw the deuces up. It’s time to be and do you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

    Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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