Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
So here is my dilemma, though it may not be much of a dilemma to some. I think that I am afraid to live my life. Because of the area I grew up in, the high school I went to and friends and family that surrounded me, I think I was “scared straight.” I mean scared straight down the straight and narrow path of life without the fun. OK, it hasn’t been all boring, but I am constantly compared to an old lady by some friends and even family. I am continuously told that I need to learn to let go and just have fun and to stop thinking all the time.
I have always been the one female child to prove that I cannot do what others expected me to do which was usually the worst. I had family tell my mom that I am ‘too fast,’ and shouldn’t date at such a young age, i.e. I went on my first date at age 12. But, to my defense I was the overly responsible child. I never got into trouble. I brought home good grades, and my mother and I have a very close relationship. She talked to me about boys and sex and everything, and there was never a need for me to sneak around do things because of her openness. Now, don’t get me wrong, she let it be known that she was momma first, and friend second, a there were still rules to be followed.
Anyway, I said all of that to say when my cousins were hiding boys under the bed, in closets, sneaking out and having babies I was somewhere reading a book and preparing for college. I am a two time college grad, and I’m proud of that, but my social and personal life has suffered because of it. I am at a point in my life where I am wondering why I have I not found a good man, or why hasn’t he found me. I have tried to do everything right. I work. I pray. I’m 26 with no children, I’m educated, and if I do say so myself, I’m pretty darn attractive. I’m not one to throw my education in any ones face or try to make it seem as if I’m this super independent woman. I was raised old school and I know that everybody needs somebody sometimes and we are not meant to be alone. – Too Young To Be Too Old
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 22-year old senior at a well-know university. I have a good job, my own home, and I have supported myself alone for the past two years. I do not have any children, and don’t plan on having any until I am married. I am very respectful, respectable, caring, nice, and all that good stuff. I know I am attractive and know my self-worth. The problem is why have I been single for nearly two years? My friends and family tell me I should focus on school and there will be time for “courting.” I know this is true but I get so bored and lonely at home alone. At the end of the day when all my work is done. Some of the things I have heard from guys include “you will make a good wife”, “you deserve more than what I can give you”, “you know me too well” and blah blah blah.
So what is the problem? I am not the judge of anyone else, but I see guys hooking up with girls that do not have half of the qualities I have going for themselves. Some of these guys like to keep me around but not make it more serious. What is the problem? Young, Independent, And Lonely
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 23-year old woman who is single and cannot find a decent man to date. I don’t have any kids. I’m college-educated (I have a Bachelors degree and I am currently working on my Masters). I have no criminal past. I don’t do drugs nor do I smoke or drink, I work full-time, and I couldn’t be ugly because many people tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t have a problem finding a man. I have a problem with finding one that I really like. I’m not too picky. All I ask is that he is not a criminal, not a gang member, works a decent job, attractive, and treats me with the love and respect I deserve. But, for some reason, I seem to attract men with kids all over the U.S. Men with a criminal record the size of an encyclopedia. Men that just look plain sloppy, and men that are so old that they could be my grandfather.
I’ve even gotten to the point of trying dating sites and I have found that pictures lie. These guys put up pictures that look good, but in person they look a terrible mess. I am beginning to think that I should settle with being lonely and single since I can’t find a man that I would like to be with. Why am I having so much bad luck with dating? Am I un-dateable? What does it take for a woman like me to find man I can be happy with? – Where Is Mr. Right
Dear Ms. Too Young To Be Too Old, Ms. Young, Independent, And Lonely, and Ms. Where Is Mr. Right,
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
If only you knew how many letters I receive like yours every day. My inbox is filled with these types of letters. I can’t even get through them all.
So, instead of addressing each of you individually, I’ve decided to answer multiple letters from various women all asking the same question, “Why can’t I find a good man?”
Now, I did address this very loaded question in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. There are several chapters on working on you, redefining you, reclaiming you, and empowering yourself. I’m all about self-improvement and introspection. And, with that, I am going to write out my thoughts on this, and if I hit the nail on the head, y’all know when I’m on TV, and have my own show, I’m going to take my millions and buy me an exclusive private island like your boy Tyler Perry did.
You all have mentioned that you’re educated, attractive, no criminal records, no children, early to mid-twenties, and know what you want when it comes to a man. Ladies, that is half the battle. The other half of the battle is locating Mr. Man!
I am sure some Hello Beautiful readers have an idea, and they will help me out and chime in, but, I am have come up with a few things you may want to consider in locating your Mr. Right:
1.) Location – Yes, location does matter. If you are in a small town, or big city, then your pickings will be slim to none. Locale means a lot when dating eligible men. In a small town/city I am sure the odds are something like 6:1 (6 women to 1 man). Everyone in the small town/city is trying to lock down the one good eligible man. If six of you are competing for the same man, then, uhm, sweethearts, you may want to relocate. Six women do not need to be fighting over one man. In a big city, the problem exacerbates. Yes, the more eligible men there are, the less likely he may settle down. He is able to choose from a plethora of women who are looking for a good man. He knows he is a catch, and if he can date as many as women as he can, he will. Yes, men love to have their cake and eat it too. I think it’s important to consider your location when dating, and where you may find good eligible men who are available. A.) Things to consider for the area are colleges/universities in the surrounding area. The chances are there will be more educated men who are college graduates in a city with a number of higher institutions. B.) You have to consider the average income median for the city you’re in. I do know certain neighborhoods with higher income medians will produce men who have a pension for earning and living a certain lifestyle. Yes, if people are educated and raised on how to earn and save money, then they will live those life lessons. C.) A heavily concentrated sports city will have many more men who may be eligible for dating. Yes, a city with several sports teams brings out throngs of men to their events, and sports bars. Most men generally attend sporting events, and sports bars, with, who else? Other men. Bam! Honey, you better consider season tickets. D.)
2.) You may want to consider dating outside your race. I know, I know, I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. Expanding your cultural and racial options will leave you open to dating men who fit your criteria. I’m not saying one race is better than the other, but limiting yourself based on race will eliminate millions of available men who may be able to fulfill your needs, desires, and wants. Besides, if you expand your horizons you will expand your cultural experiences.
3.) Learn what dating truly is. Some women equate dating with sex. And, yes, some men will invite you to his house, or try to come to your house on the first date only if you let him. As Dr. Phil recently said, “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” As you’re contemplating on having sex with him, he is trying to figure out where to have sex. It doesn’t matter where he does it, just as long as he has a place to do it. When you date a man, or men, you keep your options open. Dating is just that, dating. You go to the movies, dinner, drinks, events, or museum. Dating is not going to bed with him, it’s just going out to have a good time. He doesn’t have to be the one, either. You could enjoy his company, and spending time with him, but you may not be interested in him sexually. However, dating is getting to know one another. It’s exploring who he is, as well as him finding out who you are. Also, dating is courting. It’s when a man sends flowers, calls, texts, invites you to events, gatherings, and church. He is investing time and energy into getting to know you. It’s his job to court you. And, when he does, or you decided he is worth seeing monogamous, or intimately, it’s because you’ve decided so. And, all the efforts he put into getting to know you doesn’t disappear or become infrequent. He continues putting time and energy into getting to know you.
4.) Be patient. Yes, you have to wait for the man you desire. I hope you don’t think this instantaneous love is going to happen, because, darling, that’s for the movies. You have to be willing to wait, and then wait some more for the man you need or want. And, in the meantime, you keep dating. Yes, you can date several men at one time, that doesn’t mean you’re having sex with all of them. Trust me, men date several women at one time. They are keeping their options open, and so should you. The way I look at it is the man for you is only a man away. Yes, the men you’ve dated and been in relationships with, take the lessons from those relationships and move forward. Take inventory of what happened, why it happened, and why you chose those men. If you see a pattern of the type of men you choose, then guess what? It’s not the man, it’s you. Like only attracts like.
5.) This leads me to your personal inventory check list. What are you putting out and what are you getting in return? If you keep meeting men who are no good, trifling, and no goals or aspirations, then you’re attracting those guys for a reason. Even though you sound wonderful on paper, but internally you may be spiritually depleted or empty. Your spirit may be deficient. It may be time to repair, resolve, and cleanse who you are. If you have a self-defeating attitude, or negative outlook, then you will attract that in your life despite your education, moral high ground, or external things you’ve acquired. Look inside and you will discover what is on the outside.
6.) Enjoy life and be fun. Yes, if you are outgoing, living life, and happy then it is only inevitable that you will attract it into your life. Men love being around women who are easy going, happy, and have a great outlook on life. Imagine being around someone who is always complaining, never fun to be around, and hates doing anything? You stay away from those persons. I suggest you ask your friends what their perspective of you is. Ask them how do they see you and if you are fun, happy, enjoying life, and outgoing. If not, then you know what to do. Stop sitting around complaining about the men who are not around. You now know why. Look, change the rhetoric in your head and out of your mouth from “Why can’t I find a man?” to “I am love, happiness, fun, outgoing, smart, engaging, and beautiful. And, I attract people in my life who add to my love, happiness, fun, intelligence, and joy.” Yes, speak abundant life and love to yourself. Speak greatness, power, and hope to your life. You are the creator of your life, and those who come into it. If you change your mind, trust me, ladies, you can change your circumstances! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!