Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been seeing this man. I’ll call him “D.” We started dating in October 2008, stopped dating in January 2009, started dating again in May 2009, and in October we decided that we’d be monogamous with one another. We do not live together, but he does all the right things from giving me flowers to opening the door.
In the beginning, he made his way over to me 3 or 4 days a week and would spend the night. Lately, we have seen each other only on Saturdays. He is almost 3 years younger than me. He has his own business, a nice car, is well educated and makes me laugh until my face hurts. I introduced him to my son, my family, everything is going great, but, he has yet to introduce me to his family or any of his friends. I feel as if he is my man, but I am not his lady.
He has exes calling him checking on him every now and then. This makes me uncomfortable so I asked him to change his number and he told me could not. I’m not even going to BEGIN with the many things he is uncomfortable with and I have given up. He said his clients have that number and yada yada, so the number stays. His cell is NEVER on or even with him when he comes to see me.
Recently, we haven’t had sex in about 6 weeks because he “was going through some things.” These “things” were family issues. He has since asked for sex and I have said no based on the fact that I think he’s cheating. Hell, I even told him that “he doesn’t need me for that” and to “continue doing whatever you been doing.” I figured if he didn’t ask for it in that length of time, there is a problem. Hell, we initially started dating on those pretenses alone.
It’s almost like I don’t exist to people that know and love him. He goes to family parties and doesn’t invite me. Meanwhile, he has been to all of my family gatherings. He tells me that he never brings any women home to his family. I am family-oriented. I’m really thinking about hitting the high road but, I love this man. He doesn’t love me back. He “cares” for me. He has little disappearing acts, but always has a great excuse. I just think he’s a good liar. Am I bugging out here or are these not the classic signs of a cheating man? – Do I Stay or Leave?
Dear Ms. Do I Stay or Leave,
Where do you live? No, really, because I’m going to come and shake the ish out of you. Why, oh why, are you writing me this letter when you know the answer? Why, oh why, don’t you trust YOURSELF and walk away? Oh, yeah, you want him to be your saving grace. Your knight in shining armor. You want him to be the man you hoped he will be ‘one day soon’ because you’re all the woman he needs. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.
You’ve hyped him up to be this great guy because he has his own business and a nice car, he’s well-educated, and he makes you laugh, but sweetheart, just because he has nice things doesn’t make him a nice person. All those things that make him sound good on the outside don’t make up for how ugly he is on in the inside. You are confusing the outside (material things and accoutrements) with the inside.
Let’s take a look at this from the inside and work our way out. You both decided to be in a monogamous relationship after dating for two years. And, you mean to tell me that in the two years of dating he has never introduced you to any of his family or friends? Oh, wait a minute, he told you that he doesn’t introduce women to his family. What does that sound like to you? No, really, I’ll wait.
It appears he agreed to be monogamous with you, but not committed to you. There is a difference darling. Yes, he may be having sex with only you, but he is not committed to you. He doesn’t see you as the ‘one.’ You are not his lady, woman, girl, or whatever you want to call yourself. So, he may very well be seeing other women, but not having sex with them because you two agreed to be monogamous. But, I am not that naïve to believe you’re his only one. I think he agreed to it because you are, shall we say, steady in-house coochie? He knows you aren’t going anywhere, and guess what, you haven’t.
He doesn’t respect you. His exes still call his phone and although you’ve asked him to change his number, he refuses. Yet, he’s asked you to do certain things and you’ve complied. Hmmmm, you’re bending over backwards to appease a man who is not appeasing you. I think you got the game confused and he is running it and you. It appears this imaginary relationship you’ve concocted in your head is just that, in your head.
I suggest you two sit down and come to terms with the definition of this situation you’re in. Ask him what a relationship is and what it means to be monogamous. Ask him if you two are in a relationship, and if you are, ask him what his expectations of you are, and you lay out yours of him. There has been no communication from either of you of your expectations of each other. Obviously, he isn’t matching your definition and you’re trying to make him fit, but no matter how hard you try, he isn’t budging.
Look, Ms. Do I Stay or Leave, I, for one, wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone for over two years without meeting their family or friends. But, again, in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I define and lay out the signs women should look for in a man who is not relationship material. The chapter is entitled, Every Man Is Not Relationship Material: Get Up and Move On. And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, darling, your man fits my definition. Girl, wake the hell up. You are not his woman. He doesn’t see you as a woman he’ll spend the rest of his life with, and thus, he’s not going to introduce you to those he loves. Yawn, girl, I’m getting bored now. You say you don’t exist to the people who know and love him. Well, guess what, you are the invisible woman. Let me stretch my legs and arms. I’m over it and you. Oh, wait one last minute, you said he doesn’t love you back, but that he ‘cares’ about you. I’m done. It’s a wrap. You answer that one for yourself. Girl, stop wasting your time and energy for a piece of a man. You’ve subjected yourself to this crazy madness. If you want to be his woman then you have to make some demands and redefine your relationship. It’s time to stop being a doormat and throw rug, and become the woman on his arm. And, in order to do that you two need to be on the same page and agree that you’re in a relationship with one another. And, that is meeting his family and friends, going to events with him, no more calls from exes, no disappearing acts with some bogus excuse, and if you love me, then damn it, say you love me. And, girl, when you tell him no more sex, and no more seeing me until you man up and respect me as a woman and as your woman, then honey don’t expect anything else. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
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