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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have a problem I just can’t figure out. I am from a small country town and have always been the type that likes city guys. I like everything about them – their swag, the way they dress, and the way they carry themselves.
One day I was in the Dollar General Store and met this guy, “Carl,” from Washington, DC. Carl told me he was in town because he’d been working on a building for two years. We exchanged numbers and two weeks later Carl calls, and was telling me about himself. He said he’s a big Kanye West fan, very into fashion, and a big football fan.
Carl asked if we could chill one night and I said yeah. When I got to his house we started talking and he told me that everyone he comes across thinks he’s gay. My eyes got really big. I asked, “Why do they think you’re gay?” He said, “It’s because I’m well-groomed. I take care of my body. I like to dress nice and I like clean things.” I said, “Ok.” He then asked, “Is that gonna be a problem?” I said, “No.”
That same night he told me he hadn’t had sex since October and it was June. We had sex and he hits it from the back. I remember hearing that “Down Low” dudes like hitting it from the back and nothing else. About a month or two later he met my cousin and as soon as she laid eyes on him she said he’s gay, without even talking to him first. So when he left my cousin asked, “Is he gay?” I said, “No.”
I really like him and he’s very nice. So talk to me is he gay? -“Small Town Confusion”
Dear “Small Town Confusion,”
Just because you’re in a small town you’re not alienated from the world. Clues are clues, honey. But I am sure the “Big City” man who dazzled you with his good looks, high-fashions, and sweet nothings made you weak in the knees. Girl, we’ve all been there.
Now, based on the information you provided only one thing stands out that makes me go, hmmm, could he be gay? It’s that everyone he comes across thinks he is. I come from the old school where we have a saying, “Everyone knows, but you.” Meaning, everyone has peeped your card about your sexuality, but you are in denial.
However, I re-read your story and I thought to myself, wait a minute, I know many heterosexual men like your friend. They like Kayne West. They dress nice, are well-groomed, and take care of their bodies. They are also football fans. And, on many occasions people have assumed they were gay. Awww, the key word, “assume.”
You see, Ms. Small-Town-Confusion, I put men like your friend in the category of, He’s Not Gay, But He Has Gay Tendencies. What I mean by this is their mannerisms and actions would make one immediately assume, based solely on observation, they are gay. Yet, as you get to know these men, have conversation, and hang out with them, you discover they are not gay, they are just slightly effeminate. And, it could be based on the fact they talk with a lisp, use their hands when they speak, carry man-bags, and like being well-groomed. Those do not make a man gay.
Even liking Kayne West does not equal gay. He makes good music. But, if your man is singing in a falsetto voice, songs by, Whitney Houston and Beyonce, and he knows the routine to “Single Ladies,” then uhm, girl, he is gay.
But, I do like he was upfront with you when he said people think he’s gay, and asked if you had a problem with it. Most men would run and avoid the topic, and not share what others think of their sexuality. To me it shows he is comfortable with who he is. And, if he is comfortable with himself he wants to know if you are. And, you him told you were.
So, tell your cousin don’t be hating because you snagged yourself a Big City man before her. Date him and have fun. Now, if every time you have sex he wants to go in the ‘backdoor,’ then, girl, let him keep his city ways to himself! – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Ten years ago my male roommate told me he had the perfect man for me. It was a friend of his, “David,” a police officer, who lived in the Bay area. My roommate called David, and he flew to San Diego to meet me. We hit it off and have been dating ever since.
However, over time I’ve noticed some things that make me question David’s sexuality.
David still lives in the Bay area and flies down to spend time with me. For the past six years I have lived in my own place not too far from a community named, Hillcrest, which has a large homosexual population. However, David is always inquiring about the Hillcrest area. I keep thinking to myself, “Why is he so interested in Hillcrest?”
One time he was sporting the gay rainbow bracelet and a short necklace. I made him take it off and told him it represented someone who was gay. He said he didn’t know that. And, then, sometimes when he’s naked he puts his “Johnson” between his legs and says something ridiculous and I start to wonder. Also, he’s super neat and clean, even more so than me.
Recently, we were talking and I casually, but seriously asked, “Are you gay?” He flipped and said, “What the f**k kind of question is that!?!” And the argument started. We didn’t speak for a few days. I finally called him and apologized and we made up.
Every time I’ve kicked him to the curb for something he comes right back. I want to get married however, David has been married previously. He is divorced with an adult child. I don’t have any problems in the men area, and I love men strictly, but I love David and am not sure what to do.
We just had an argument and he said there are men on the police force who are in the closet and choose to do so. He said it’s easier for the men to disguise their sexuality than women on the force. Is he giving me signals? Am I being paranoid? – “A Sista Wants To Know”
Dear “A Sista Wants To Know,”
WOW! Ms. Honey, I am going to personally come to San Diego myself and knock some sense into your head. I mean really. You’ve been dating a man who lives in another city for the past ten years and he hasn’t asked you to marry him? Really, girl!?!
I am going to come back to that one, so let’s address if he’s giving you signals about his sexuality and if you have a right to be paranoid.
Okay, wait a minute. Pause. I’m still bugging. He’s in the Bay area and you’re in San Diego. Ten years of dating and no marriage? GIRL!!!
I’ve recollected myself again. Now, he’s fully aware of down low men and women because he works with them on the police force. He’s told you about them. He even went so far as to give you an explanation of why it’s easier for men to hide their sexuality than women. He’s obviously been discussing the subject with some of his police pals, or possible one of his down low police brethren. That doesn’t make him gay. He probably was interested to discover there were undercover gay policemen and he was working with them.
When he visits you and inquires about Hillcrest, the largely gay community, now that does raise a flag. What is he inquiring about? But, the fact that he had on a bracelet with the gay rainbow colors and a short necklace, and he didn’t know it represented someone who was gay. I ain’t buying that excuse. He’s a police officer. I am sure he has knowledge or has been trained to observe people, behaviors, and symbols, especially the colors that represent the gay rainbow, and he is from the Bay area. Naw, that isn’t flying by.
But, I do want to share something you with ladies. Some men, in privacy, at one time or another, have pulled their “Johnsons” between their legs to see what it looks like. I’ve seen men do it playfully in the locker room. Did I think they were gay? No, not at all. It’s for gags. I think some men have a particular fascination to know what it would look like if it was not there. Just like I think women fanaticize if they had a penis.
However, girl, I do think he has gay tendencies and is gay curious. Especially after the fact when you questioned him and he flipped out. If he’s not gay then he wouldn’t get that upset and stop speaking with you. I think you hit a sore spot with him because he may secretly find the gay life fascinating, as I think some men secretly do. I mean come on, we are fabulous. We have fun and we have no problem expressing ourselves. Does it mean his curiosity makes him gay? No. Does that make him suspect? No. He does things that would make one suspect him of being gay, but I gather he is straight.
But, Ms. A-Sista-Wants-To-Know, I am going back to the fact he is another city and you’ve been dating ten years. Girl, get a grip and move on. He is not going to marry you. Why should he? He is getting everything he wants from you without the title or paper. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has another woman in the Bay area when he is not with you in San Diego. Move on, honey. I don’t understand women who hang on to a man because you are hopeful for one day, or he may, or he will change. GIRL, Poof! Disappear. – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!